The Things They Say
by The Wayward Angel
Summary: He knew they were just jokes, careless jokes thrown out by others that didn't know the consequences of their words. M for language
1. Chapter 1

_The Things They Say_

He knows they are just jokes, careless jokes thrown out by others that don't know the consequences of their words.

"We always know where to find America…in the cafeteria." –France. It was a comment that would be followed by peals of laughter from the other countries.

He merely quirks a smile and remains silent.

They don't understand. None of them do.

"If America isn't talking then he's stuffing his face with food." –Germany. It wasn't often that Germany's jokes got a laugh, but if he was making a stab at America then he definitely did.

Was that true though? Was that all he did?

No.

They don't know what they're doing to him.

"How is it America eats so much and isn't just a complete balloon at this point?" –England.

England has a point.

How did America eat so much and not gain weight? In fact, if they looked closely enough, they could see that the clothes he wore never touched his skin. They layered, made him look bigger…why?

He is losing weight.

And fast.

How?

Why?

"_Why does America always rush to the bathroom right after he's eaten?" _That was a question no one ever asked.

Because it's easy for them to make fun of America eating. It's fun. It made them feel better about themselves. But the things they said…missiles to his self-confidence that in public did not wane but in private…

"Only in America could a pizza be delivered to your house faster than an ambulance." –Spain. Oh, this joke was a new favorite and said at least three times during a conference by three different countries. This went on

**Every. Fucking. Day.**

But America kept silent on this one matter because…would anyone listen if he told them how much the jokes hurt?

If he told them that he only ate when he had to? When people were _watching_?

Because he doesn't eat when no one was watching; he tells himself he isn't hungry. It took a while but now he believes it. He doesn't feel the hunger anymore. He eats only when others are watching then rushes to the bathroom to force it back up because he **hates **food. He **hates** eating.

_Fat _

_ Ugly _

_ Gross _

_ Disgusting_

And he is losing weight, but it was never enough.

The jokes never stop.

They are relentless.

They don't understand.

And he tries to tell himself it idn't healthy. That he's killing himself. And he tries to make himself better…but then someone mentions they thought he was gaining weight and the urge to eat plummets and he forces the food back up until he's crying and his stomach is cramping so hard he'll feel it for hours afterward.

And still the jokes don't stop.

And his self-esteem drains by the day.

Until he's just going through the motions each day.

But no one notices.

**No one cares.**

So he just continues to let himself fade away…hoping that someday it will stop.

Hoping someday he'll be enough.

**Allie: This was inspired by my recent fight with bulimia and reading fat American jokes on tumblr. Not much to say about this I'm afraid. Review please.**

**Disclaimer: No it's not mine. Just. No.**


	2. Chapter 2

_The Things They Say_

America laughs too much, too loud.

He smiles all the time.

He eats whenever he gets the chance.

He talks until he's hoarse.

America's happy.

**Bullshit.**

"Could you just shut up for a moment, I'm getting a headache." –England. All the countries agree.

And America stops talking.

Quickly.

Too quickly…

"Putting on weight again America? Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be able to work it off by talking us to death." –France. And he laughs.

He laughs because if he doesn't, he knows he'll start crying. And he can't cry because then the others will know he's hurting. He doesn't want them to know. He doesn't want them to worry. He's the hero, after all; no one should worry about him.

"Are you okay?" –Belgium.

"I'm fine." –America.

He's not. He's far from fine. He's hurting. Inside he feels like his heart is a crumpled mess that the other countries continue to dance on.

Still, he's touched Belgium notices something is wrong. But at the same time he's mad at himself _because _someone has noticed. He's supposed to be hiding it.

"_Have you noticed America hasn't eaten anything today?" _Says no one.

He knows that no one cares so he has stopped putting up that appearance. He doesn't eat anymore. Not in front of others. But still they say…

"America's just too busy spouting nonsense to eat. I'm sure he'll pig out when he has no one left to talk to." –Russia.

And of course they try to rationalize it because no one wants to touch on the real subject that

**America just doesn't eat**

They like making fun of America and they can't make fun of him if they force themselves to notice that America is sick.

Because he is, isn't he?

He has to be sick if he doesn't want to eat. If, when he does _have _to eat, he forces himself to vomit it back up. If he closes himself off from everyone so all they see is what he **wants **them to see but not who he **is**.

"Diet coke was invented by Americans so they can feel better about eating everything in sight." –Japan. Everyone just fucking laughs at that. It's so fucking hilarious, isn't it?

He has taken to drinking Diet Coke lately. That's all he drinks. That's all he allows himself because every morning when he looks in the mirror he can see himself getting fatter.

Why isn't he skinny enough yet?

Why isn't he good enough yet?

Why does everyone hate him?

**Why does America hate himself?**


	3. Chapter 3

_The Things They Say_

"Do you think America's losing weight?"-England. He's not asking anyone in particular. He's noticed something; God knows that he didn't want to. He wants to pretend that everything's normal and fine with the younger country but there was that flash. That brief moment that he saw how wounded America was. When he looked into the face of the Hero for a second and was reminded of the weak little colony that had been his so long ago. When he saw, in his eyes, just how sad and hurt and _torn up_ to blonde male was when they joked with him. And then the flash was gone and the American was grinning but England _knew _that he wasn't just seeing things.

"He looks like he's gained again. I'm not surprised." –Italy. He tries to make it sound innocent but he's just as mean as the rest.

England thinks, briefly, that it isn't true. That America has lost weight, too quickly for it to be natural. For a moment he looks at the younger country and sees that it isn't fat under his clothes, just more clothes. He sees that America still wears his bomber jacket, even though it's sweltering inside the Consulate. For just a second he sees passed what America wants him to see.

And then it's gone because

**He doesn't want to think about it.**

England doesn't want to know.

He's scared.

He doesn't want to think about the probability of America hurting himself, so he ignores it.

America never hears about England's question. He never hears about his former ruler's concern. All he hears is

_Fat _

_Ugly _

_ Gross_

_ Disgusting_

**Shit**

"I know why America laughs so loud at our jokes. He's compensating for not understanding them." –Germany. Hardee har har. It makes everyone laugh. The jokes always do. Jokes about how America's

**Stupidfatuglyworthlessnothing**

And then he's laughing again because if he doesn't then he knows he'll break down and cry.

It hurts.

And he's just so _tired _of it hurting all the time.

Because they don't understand…they don't…they can't comprehend what's going on in his mind.

They wouldn't want to.

In his mind he thinks about how much he hates himself. He hates the jokes and he hates not being able to prove them wrong. He hates eating. He hates **not **eating. He hates laughing. He hates smiling. He hates **everything**.

But if he dropped the façade, then what?

Would everyone leave him alone?

Would the jokes stop?

**Not fucking likely.**

So he keeps it up. Even though it's killing him.


	4. Chapter 4

_The Things They Say_

He's hiding. Not smiling. Trying hard not to cry.

_Some hero…_

It hurts more than usual today. They jokes. The fucking careless jokes tossed off by countries that just didn't understand. Or maybe…just maybe they did understand and they just didn't care because it was **fun **to them. It was fun for them to watch him suffer. To watch him break day after day after day.

It just sucks.

He's lost fifty pounds. He'd be impressed if he wasn't so caught up in thinking

_Just a little bit more. If I lose five more pounds then it'll stop. Just a bit more and they'll stop._

But they don't. They turn their eyes away when he walks in the room because even with the extra clothes they can see that he's become nothing more than a walking skeleton. A zombie. And if they looked at him then they couldn't continue to make fun of him.

"Hey America, have another hamburger. You can have mine." –Romano. Sick joke. Very sick.

He doesn't hear it but barely anyone laughs at Romano's joke. Even Romano thinks he's

**right**

gone too far with that one. Because even though no one mentions it they've all noticed that America doesn't eat _anything _anymore, but they just can't stop the teasing because that would mean admitting that they have noticed and everyone's just so scared to admit that the Hero is

**broken.**

He's still trying to hide when Canada finds him.

"America, why are you hiding?" –Canada.

"Who's there?" –America.

Canada's smile is almost painful because even someone as close to him as America doesn't know who he is. He's invisible. He hates being invisible. But he hates America hurting even more. He cares about America, even if the other country only remembers him half of the time.

"America…it hurts doesn't it?" –Canada.

America furrows his brow and looks and actually **sees** Canada with his blonde hair and large violet eyes that are staring at him with so much worry and concern that it scares him because he doesn't want anyone to see him like this. He doesn't want to be weak. He's the

**Stupidfatuglyworthlessnothing**

Hero. He's the Hero. And no one should see a hero down on his knees, broken and hurting.

Canada kneels in front of America like he would a frightened animal because at this point that's what America is. Just a frightened animal, hurt and hiding from the world. He looks at America with those wide, sweet eyes and America back pedals because he doesn't _want _Canada's help. He doesn't want Canada to see him like this. Ever. He's a disappointment because he's not enough. He'll never be enough.

_Not skinny enough._

_Not brave enough._

_Not smart enough._

_Just five more pounds and I'll be perfect._

_They'll stop and I'll stop and I'll be fine._

Canada's hand touches his shoulder

_Enough enough enough enough enough enough enough enough Stopstopstopstop. .Stop. Stop! Stop!_

**STOP!**

And America's bolting from the room and tearing down the hallway like he's just been set on fire and the flames are chasing him.

Canada just stares after the other nation and sighs.

Canada will keep trying, even if America doesn't want him to. Because Canada just wants someone to see him, know he's not invisible; and he wants America to be okay again. He cares. He does.

_No one cares._

_**I do.**_

xoxo

**Allie: What have you guys done…? Yes, I will be continuing this as long as I can because it's actually helping me along in my life. And now Canada will be included! Yay Canada! His thoughts will be bold italics while America stays in regular italics. Sorry if the story lay out is confusing to you.**

**Shout out to Ember Hinote that said someone should care about America…I had already wrote out most of this chapter when I got that review so I thought it was kind of funny. Thanks for reading everyone.**


	5. Chapter 5

_The Things They Say_

Silence is an uncomfortable thing. Worse than the jokes, jeers, teasing, and sneers. It's uncomfortable and heavy…and he wishes that he hadn't left his jacket in the room that morning because everyone is _staring _at him and it couldn't be worse.

But it is worse because it's mostly Canada that's staring at him and he can see the pity in Canada's eyes.

_**Empathy, not pity.**_

Because despite what America thinks, Canada does not pity him. He empathizes with him because Canada is hurting too, just not in the same way. Canada is invisible. And it just fucking sucks.

Being invisible; never being seen or included…it hurt more than any joke ever could. Canada managed to pull it together though, every day. He managed to get up, day after day, and pretend that he wasn't hurting. That he wasn't dying inside.

**He is.**

But he puts on a brave face. In a way, it's easier for him than America. No one would see if Canada cried. No one would care if Canada didn't show up to the meetings. No one would notice if Canada simply ceased to exist. But he does, because he doesn't want to give up, even though it's hard. Even if it would be easier for him just to give up, just quit, he doesn't.

And he hates that _America's _given up.

America is strong.

America is the Hero.

**He's not even trying to fight back.**

And that makes him angry, in a way, because if he should have to be this strong then shouldn't the country closest to him have to be strong too?

_**It's not fair**_

But nothing is fair for them.

Just like the silence in the summit is not fair for America right now.

_So fucking quiet._

Because now that they can't ignore what's being so blatantly shoved in their face. He looks like a skeleton beneath his baggy clothes and even France can't think of something to say when he sees that.

The silence is suffocating him and soon he stands and leaves the room because he just can't handle how quiet it is right now.

"Hey America, maybe you should eat another hamburger." –Germany. And that does it for America.

He flees the room and goes to hide because he thinks he's going to start crying again but he's stopped by a gentle pale hand on his shoulder.

"America, don't just leave." –Canada. Those violet eyes were looking at him in pity again and America jerks away.

"Just leave me alone." –America. And he's running away again because he can't handle the way Canada's looking at him.

Canada shakes his head and drops his hand.

_**Never.**_

**xoxo**

**Selia- Thank you so much for giving me the silence idea. It helped me a lot in figuring out how I should try and do the next few chapters.**

**Anake14- Unfortunately (I'm embarrassed to say) I haven't watched that much of Hetalia. The reason I picked Canada is because he's so invisible and since I'm basing a majority of this story on my life I identified with that invisibility which is why I chose Canada. Sorry about my ignorance to Prussia. That would have worked really well with this, I just chose happened to choose Canada. I guess I weaseled out…so sorry.**


	6. Chapter 6

_The Things They Say_

"I don't want to be invisible anymore." –Canada. He's sitting in a room by himself. He talks to himself a lot, always has. No one has ever listened except for him. It makes him sad sometimes, knowing that no one else cares, but he keeps moving forward because that was all he can do.

Canada sighs and draws his knees up to his chest tightly. He's worried about America. The other country is so quiet now. He hangs in back corners of rooms, avoiding the other countries like the plague. Canada hates seeing America like this. It makes him angry.

_**How dare he give up.**_

It's not fair. It's just not fair.

"I want him to see me. I want him to let me help." –Canada. He stands angrily, running a hand through his hair in frustration. Sure, jokes the were

**lame**

harsh and

**correct**

untrue but Canada just doesn't see why it lets America shut him down. Canada has dealt with being nothing for almost the entire time he'd been around. He'd dealt with being ignored and mistreated and America can't deal with a few fucking jokes?

"Fuck." -Canada. He rubs his face with his hands before deciding he needs to leave this room and join everyone again, even though no one will see it.

He won't give up on America, even though he should. In the back of his mind he knows it won't happen as he plans. He knows that he's being selfish. He just wants someone to see him, to know he exists.

_**I feel like I'm being repetitive.**_

He knows that he's just repeating himself but he can't help it. It's just that he wants it so bad. He wants to be noticed so bad his heart hurts.

He's passing by other countries in the hall, ducking out of the way to avoid hitting them, eyes gazing straight through him.

"Hey Canada." –America.

He hears the mumble and his head snaps around to lock with stunning blue eyes before the other country vanishes into the crowd.

_**Alfred…**_

**xoxo**

**Allie: What the hell is this? I suck…I'll get better guys, just out of practice.**

**Mina- My main purpose of this story is not to stick to character but to try to illustrate my life. Sorry if you think it's a "joke book" and that it's forced and obvious but that's how I feel so that's how I write it.**

**Tolk- I'm talking about my life. And most of those stories detail anorexia not bulimia. If you haven't figured out by five chapters in that I'm talking about ME and MY LIFE then just kindly escort yourself out of this story. Thank you.**

**Oh and by the way guys, I will answer anonymous reviews at the end of chapters since I can't message people that are too fucking petty to sign in to insult me and my stories. There's nothing I can't stand more than someone that'll flame a story and not be brave enough so I can reply to them.**


	7. Chapter 7

_The Things They Say_

"I want you to eat." –Canada.

America shakes his head, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, a cigarette in his fingers. He doesn't want to eat. He can't eat. It makes him sick to eat.

"America, do it." –Canada. Canada sits on the floor in front of America, balancing on the balls of his feet. He places a hand on the other country's arm.

America doesn't flinch. His blue eyes gaze into violet. "I want to, but I can't." –America. He rasps this out, his voice thin and whispery.

"You can." –Canada.

_**You just don't want to. You don't want to get better.**_

"It's not that simple." –America.

"It is. You just don't want it to be." –Canada.

"That's untrue." –America.

"No, it's not." –Canada.

_**Just admit you don't want to get better.**_

_Leave me alone, I'm tired of this._

"I can't just start eating, my body won't let me." –America. And that is part of the truth. He's tried, from time to time, to start eating again. He'll eat lunch, but then throw up, because his body doesn't want the food anymore. He does fine without it. He likes being hungry.

"That's bullshit." –Canada. Canada is angry with America, because America has given up, and doesn't want to try.

_No more. No more._

"I can see you now." –America.

Canada wants to smile. America does see him now. He's happy. But he's still angry. Angry that America is changing the subject. Angry that America refuses to get better. Angry that America has given up. Angry that America refuses to see he has a real problem.

"Why don't you ignore them?" –Canada.

America doesn't answer.

"The ones that make fun of you. The ones that pretend you don't have a problem, even though they've see in with their own eyes. Why don't you just ignore them?" –Canada.

"It's not that easy." –America.

_**I'm not going to let you give up.**_

**xoxo**

**Allie: Sorry if this is a little hard to follow. Message me with any questions about this chapter. The tides are turning people, slowly, but they're turning. I write this in a stream of consciousness way so it may be a bit difficult to read. Sorry about that but I think it fits. Much love. **


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